The National

Sunday, September 16, 2012

New Guests: 1
Scotch Eggs: 3
Caesars: 2
Coffee Bombs: 3 

This was a Sunday that started with a bit of confusion: we had no idea where to go. A bunch of repeat locations were suggested—Blackfoot Truck Stop, Local 510—but to no general consensus. It wasn’t until special guest Steff drove by National with AS and MR that we decided to try something new. It was a nice and sunny fall day, so the opportunity to patio brunch was one that couldn’t be passed up. And once we looked at the menu, hot damn we knew we had a winner.

Once JN and AMH showed up, we loaded up on brunch appetizers, because we are gluttons. We had it all: scotch eggs (omigodddddddddd), tater tots, deep fried pickles, regular pickles. And AS chowed down on a couple caesars to boot, and I do mean chow down, as the garnish included cheese, a pickle and a shrimp. She was probably right in pointing out “I don’t need breakfast.”

Being completely unoriginal, we all ordered the chilaquiles. It’s only ten bucks and a mountain of food! And for only three more you can get chorizo, so we obviously did (except AMH, proving himself to be a breakfast amateur). Suggestions were made to just have a trough of chilaquiles for the table. Kinda happy this didn’t happen.

The advantage of patio brunch on 17th is that you’re bound to see some pals, so we happily welcomed new to Breakfast Club pal Jim Dodge. Jim got the breakfast sandwich, prompting AS to decide “I made a huge mistake” once she saw it. But then she was just as pleased once the chilaquiles arrived. With one complaint: more tortilla chips, please. You need the crunch.

Soundbites

“[Something something] Joe’s Garage,” –Steff
“Steff’s dating himself,” –AS
“Well he’s the only one who would,” –JN 

“Eat the shit outta that fucking thing,” –Steff

“I just couldn’t fit it in,” –AMH

“I went and saw a bunch of swans last month,” –Jim Dodge

Etc

• Those assholes kept saying poots again.

• JN refused to Lady and the Tramp a piece of celery with MR.

• A wasp dying in honey is the equivalent to JN dying in chorizo chilaquiles: dying happy.

• Inception taco flirt.

• JN flirts with the babe waitress (and they are ALL babes) by telling her he is twice her size. Smooooooth.

• So many cat image searches.

• Hunk City. (I don’t know what this means, but it is obviously very important.)

In Conclusion

It’s excellent value for what you get, with one exception: the coffee bomb. You get so fucked on coffee, since each bomb (press) is $5. So if you get two, you are paying as much for coffee as food. Thumbs down on that front. And as much as we enjoyed the patio, National is unfortunately one of those places with communal tables inside. So even though the food was good, and cheap, it might be a while before we are back.

The fucking coffee bomb. 

The Brasserie

I can’t even remember when we went.

Sooooo, Breakfast Club has been too busy for breakfast lately. Since we are all very important jetsetters (ahem), the group breakfasts have been few and far between. But! A few weeks ago we went and gorged ourselves at The Brasserie. We made a reservation, which was unnecessary since we showed up as soon as they opened. I wish I could make this a narrative but it was so long ago that I’m just going to give you everything that was deemed important enough to write down.

“I’m gonna get the poots” –AMH
“Don’t say that.” –AS (This didn’t work. The word poots—in reference to breakfast poutine—was said about 387 times.)

“Something will just come out of my mouth after y’all order.” –AMH

“I could really go for some curds in my mouth.” –AMH

“Driftwood dreidels.” –AS (This prompted a song.)

“We’re reminiscing breakfasts gone by … ” –MR

“Did you just Kool-Aid Man that?” –AS

“Let’s all stick our fingers in it.” –MR

other tidbits:

• JN’s foodgasm face was in full effect.

• EE, JN and AMH all got the breakfast poutine. AMH put the others to shame with his speed in devouring it.

• So much food it made JN sweat.

In conclusion …

Excellent food and good value. The servings are large and the food is super rich, but lazy Sundays deserve as much, right?

Los Chilitos

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Missing person: MR

Pop songs about hot sauce: 1

Chorizo: all of it

This Saturday’s Breakfast Club straddled the line of good taste starting with AMH divulging that he probably couldn’t make brunch because he “had no clean ginch”. Luckily the concept of laundry was made clear and he surprised us all by showing up with a fresh haircut and clean undies (we’ll take his word for it).

We snagged a partio spot and started off brunch with copious amounts of alcohol namely, Beergaritas! Beergaritas on special! Then we each ordered a different permutation of tacos with eggs/chorizo.

JN ordered the Huevos Rancheros and added chorizo

AMH ordered the Quesadillas with chorizo

AS had the Huevos Divorciados with chorizo

EE tried to order the Tostada with chorizo but you can only get it with chicken or beef.

Final Verdict:

Mexican orgasms, you guys. Everything was bold with flavours, the portion sizes were bonkers and the chorizo fucking blew our minds. Even EE understood why the Tostada only comes as-is: Los Chilitos won’t let you fuck with perfection. Our table was lousy with AMH’s pleasure-filled grunts/moans, and AS and EE realized they probably shouldn’t have hit the Bankview Stampede Breakfast earlier. JN ordered a second fishbowl of drink, somehow. We were all impressed with and stuffed from our brunch, and we shall return with MR, promise.

This ‘n That:

“Everything looks new when you live under a hoodie” - AMH’s response to “Is that a new shirt?”

“I love the 21st C, you can make shitty decisions and not even leave the house.”

Buncha bros talking about videogames.

“You’re so excited about videogames you’re going to rage dump into your pants? No wonder you have no clean undewear.” - AS to AMH

“It’s Freckle Mania, Freckle Island, Frecklepalooza, All Tomorrow’s Freckles!” - everyone, in regards to AS getting a tiny bit of sun this week.

All the boys liked the waitresses.

Everyone should read about the Katie/Tom divorce whilst listening to the Dark Knight Rises soundtrack. Bring down Scientology please, Katie Holmes!

“You know what else is homemade and thick?”

“This would be so good with eggs … oh wait, I ate them.”

Water ritual gone wrong, did AMH piss himself? We’ll never know.

After brunch we spent the rest of the day playing Bang! and Apples to Apples, and eventually had a firepit.

Game changer: Just checked out Los Chilitos’ website and they apparently serve Mexican Brunch 7. Days. A week. Is this real?

Phil’s (Redux)

Monday, July 2, 2012

Special guests: 2

Hangovers: 5

Corned Beef Hash: 3

Shredded Hash Browns: Fuck yes

We know we’ve covered Phil’s before. And we know it was lacklustre at best. But a faux-holiday Monday means there aren’t a lot of brunch options where you aren’t forced to wait in line forever. And maybe most of our brains were fried from the Canada Day-Solid Gold Beaver-Mean Jeans-Karaoke-Bonanza. So deal with it.

This time around we were joined by Steff and new special guest Iona. Iona was having a really great morning, as she announced to the table (and the internet) that “Those fireworks made me barf and get my period.” This may have been before anyone even had coffee. And speaking of coffee, they poured us too much, meaning AMH had his first cup of coffee: “Gonna drink coffee now like adult grown up guy.” We probably shouldn’t have allowed this.

JN, AS and Steff all had the brains to order the corned beef hash, and wisely so as it is probably the best thing on the menu. They use shredded hash browns, and the corned beef is finely diced, so every bite gets a massive flavour explosion of everything. 

MR regrettably ordered the stuffed french toast, and seriously, this was NOT stuffed french toast. It was a french toast sandwich with scrambled eggs and ham and cheddar cheese. Why do you need to put eggs on bread that has already been coated and cooked in egg? Furthermore, if you are going to put egg on a sandwich it should be fried. Don’t they teach these things in school anymore? Maybe we should start a breakfast school.

Iona ordered the standard breakfast, but probably only ate one pancake.

AMH had his usual eggs bennie, but with a side of pancakes instead of hash browns. I don’t think he expressed any opinion, meaning it was probably as below average as it looked. Unfortunately, he decided NOT to order the Yum Yum Sundae, which probably doesn’t taste as good as it sounds.

Etc:

“Enjoy your flaps.” –AMH

Steff: “I’m starting to sweat. All over.”
JN: “Why?”
Steff: “It must be the humidity level.”

AMH sings Spoonman every time he touches a spoon.

Heavy debate: is cream moist, or creamy?

Velour sweatpants.

We made AMH wait 45 minutes for us. 

After breakfast, and a quick pit stop at some tire swings, Breakfast Club ended up at JN’s for the movie event we’ve all (mostly AMH) been waiting for: Never Say Never. It’s really, really good. No joke. There were laughs, tears and puddles. Biebs and his crew seem to be the most perfect group of people ever and I hope they read this and decide to give us front row tickets to his concert. Then we watched music videos, focusing primarily on Janet Jackson and booty clapping. Someone should also start a booty clap school.

Final verdict: You probably shouldn’t go to Phil’s. But sometimes you get tricked so order the corned beef hash.

ps. Not joking about the breakfast school. Let’s pursue this, team.

Deer Head Cafe

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Failed venue attempts: 1

Number of navigators: 2

Number of coffee spit-takes: 1

A few weeks back, Breakfast Club received their first fan recommendation: to visit and assess the Deer Head Cafe. Reactions to the photo that was attached ranged from “OH MY GOD HOW SOON CAN WE GO WHERE IS IT?!?!?!?!” (MR) to “OMIGOD HORROR MOVIE NIGHTMARE NO WAY NEVER.” (AMH). The latter was perhaps justified, as a rundown joint in a NE industrial park does read a little Cabin in the Woods. So it kept getting put off, and, in true horror movie fashion, we never thought we would end up there that fateful Sunday.

No, we were trying to go to Applebee’s. JN and AMH have a borderline-unhealthy obsession with Friday Night Lights, and have been complaining about going for what feels like forever. So they were finally going to get their way. To build the excitement, they spent the drive up to the NW suburbs searching for the best Applebee’s quotes from the show, in the hopes they would namedrop a breakfast food that could then be enjoyed. (MR and AS ignored them from the front seat.) When we finally reached the restaurant, which I’m pretty sure is basically in Airdrie, we excitedly ran in, only to have our dreams crushed. 

Breakfast Club: “Excuse me, do you have a brunch menu?”

Zombie Hostess: ” … . “

BC: “Do you serve brunch?”

ZH: “Ughhhhh, bruuuuuunch?”

BC: “Yeah, like breakfast?”

ZH: “Ummmmmm.”

BC: “Can we look at a menu please?”

That’s right, THEY DON’T HAVE BREAKFAST. What kind of Middle-American chain restaurant doesn’t sling pancakes in the morning? So disappointing. Anyway. That’s what brought us to the Deer Head.

We roll up, and as per expectations, it’s a little rough around the edges. They door hardly says “C’mon in!” but once inside it’s like a time warp. Worn table, wood panel walls, cracked vinyl benches and true to their name, not one but two mounted deer heads on the wall.  The atmosphere more than made up for the complete lack of character of the staff. The food was breakfast at it’s most basic but omigod so cheap. The four of us ate for only $36 including at 20% tip. And good thing it was so cheap, as it’s cash only so sugar momma MR had to cover the tab since no one else knows how to carry money. 

Odds ‘n Ends:

“Applebieb’s” -AS’s autocorrect

“I had a water ritual this morning, but I was naked and there was a lot more water,” –AMH

AS had a dream that John Mayer played Sled Island, but everyone was actually really excited.

They had a Reznor heating unit, which made MR really excited because the company was apparently started by Trent Reznor’s grandfather which means we pretty much had breakfast with Nine Inch Nails.

Final Verdict: Super cheap, non-offensive, if this was downtown it would be crawling with hipsters.

Blackfoot Diner

Songs picked on the jukebox: 14

Late Night Coffees: 2

Return guests: 1

Whoa, this one came out really late: Whatever. 

Last week we had a very special BCYYC. The group decided that a late-night meal at the iconic Blackfoot Diner would hit the spot after watching a killer set by rock and roll superstars Napalmpom.  Cameron joined us again, because he loves our company. 

I can’t remember what everyone had, but I’m pretty sure AMH had the worst meal, which was a lackluster grilled cheese, and JN had the best meal: the corned beef hash. (which I consider one of the best corned beef hashes in town). Cameron ordered a corned beef sandwich, but got a roast beef sandwich, although he was still pleased with his meal.

Milkshakes were consumed as well, to favourable reviews I believe. 

Our waitress was an amazing combination of friendly and snarky. Some contestants from a local reality talent show (Calgary’s Got Talent, maybe?) were also there and she was very pleased to be serving them. Us, not so much. And for some reason she was wearing pink scrubs. Breakfast nurse.

AS picked “The best 7 songs of life” on the table-side jukebox. 

TOTO — Africa

Bonnie Tyler — Total eclipse of the heart

Bob Seger — Night moves

The Boss — Dancing in the Dark

Patsy Cline — Crazy

Roy Orbison — It’s Over

The Moody Blues — Nights in white satin

…it was pretty epic. 

Then AMH chose a very Shania Twain heavy playlist. Reviews were mixed. 

The rest of the details on this edition are sketchy at best. Should have taken some of that trucker speed that was available in the gum ball machine. (no joke) 

Local 510 (redux)

Line-ups: 0 (best kept secret in Calgary) 

Paisley Park Cronenberg dreams: 1

Charter members: 3

Special Guests: 3

Satisfied Customers: 6

Strained Metaphors: 1

This week’s Breakfast Club was a bit of a cop-out. We went to Local 510. We’ve all been before and even wrote about it before, but our original plans fell through — and hey, it’s not like you are forced to read this blog, right? Plus, this time we were able to sit out on the patio, and despite JN’s grumblings at the beginning, it was quite nice once the sun moved enough to make a patch of shade for him to sit under.

Regulars in attendance: JN, AMH and MR (who wants it noted that she was very happy to be the only lady in a sea of handsome men) AS and EE decided that going hiking was more important than Breakfast Club. The rest of Breakfast Club is not sure about their priorities.

Special guests: Cameron Frye, Blane McDonnagh and Steff.

Our forced Breakfast Club metaphor is showing it’s limitations as we expand our special guests personas into other John Hughes movies. Also, the taxonomy of using actors names for ourselves and character names for our guests might not have been thought out, but it seems to be working for us. 

Anyway, Local 510. Last time Breakfast Club visited it was an intimate meeting of MR and AMH this time we had a full crew of 6 so there was a more broad sampling of wares. 

JN got his usual Sausage and Egg sandwich with added bacon and a side salad instead of hashbrowns. They have the chunky potato hashbrowns here, while adequate, don’t really add anything but starch to your meal. The breakfast sandwich is totally boner-inducing and also the cheapest thing on the menu, so consider yourself informed. 

MR tried the breakfast hash again. It’s the only inconsistent item on the menu, and while she enjoyed it, JN thinks it tastes like ketchup. It also has the mediocre hashbrowns as a main ingredient, so that’s not a selling point for JN, who is writing this edition of Breakfast Club and is just fine with his biases setting the tone this week. 

AMH had eggs benedict, which is his current breakfast darling, regardless of venue. On JN and MR’s urging he reluctantly substituted in the jalapeño biscuit that the breakfast sandwich is served on for the plain English muffin and was pleasantly surprised. Breakfast Club suggests you do the same. 

Blane had the breakfast burrito which seemed pretty good, if not remarkable. Cameron got himself a dependably delicious bacon and eggs. Steff got a breakfast frittata that received high marks. JN is going to have to try next time because it involves chorizo, and if you don’t know of JN’s love of chorizo than you haven’t been paying attention to this blog very well. 

MR was very excited to tell Breakfast Club about a dream she had the night before that involved her riding in a Lamborghini Murcielago but conceded that JN’s dream where his penis turned into an 8” tall Prince Nelson in a purple trenchcoat was clearly more bonkers. 

Conversation then turned to the collective love of trivia games and we were pleased to find out that The Hose and Hound has NTN trivia. (For those of you that remember it from the late 90s early 00s.) Also, there is a trivia night at Libertine Lounge, which has purely average food (or below average even), but a trivia night could compel us to visit. 

Also, Steff tried to explain to JN how Magic: The Gathering is played but was only semi-successful. 

Chinese Cultural Centre Restaurant

Sunday, May 20

Missing members: 1
Shrimp dumplings: a bajillion

Oops, we’re a little negligent on telling you about last week’s delicious dim sum, but don’t go thinking it was because it was lacklustre. The food was great, it was cheap and it was the fastest breakfast club we’ve had yet.

A few things of note: AMH speaking Chinese! He also chased down carts to get his favourites. Did I already mention how many shrimp dumpling we ate? And so many different ways. JN was a missing person, but the rest of us stuffed our faces in record time. AMH continued his new “weird water ritual” tradition so I guess it’s a thing now? If you had any misconceptions of us as a dignified group, if you saw our tea and sauce and whatever else strewn table, you would recognize us for the slobs we are.

We were then offered up the opportunity of double breakfast by meeting pals for their patio brunch, but we stuck with caesars and brews. This led to a full day partio train featuring glowsticks, Don Johnson reincarnated, questionable BBQs, karaoke and more Freesars (those are free Casesars, laymen) than could possibly be healthy. GREAT DAY, BREAKFAST PALS.   

IHOP

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Now before you all start peeing your pants in excitement: sorry, there is NOT an IHOP in Calgary. But there is one in Lethbridge! (One in Edmonton too, if you prefer.) If ever there was an excuse for a roadtrip, this is it.

Hours on the road: 6, maybe (round trip)

Special Guests: 1

Shredded hashbrowns: Gold star

Wait time: 30 minutes

This was a very special weekend for the Breakfast Club, as it was our first road trip for pancakes. We went in with limited expectations, thinking we’d be treated to the same tricks as Denny’s or Phil’s, where what they offer comes no where near to what they deliver. We were so wrong. Despite a rocky start, what with MR’s soul-crushing disappointment that the Canadian franchises don’t offer chicken and waffles (“I hate IHOP, and I hate Canada.”), and the confusion of how a brand new building could look like the bad side of 1993, the mood quickly improved once looking through the menu. You get pretty much every breakfast food with every meal. Why make the decision between pancakes or hashbrowns when you can have it all? 

And then it arrived in all it’s glory. Everyone had at least two plates, or rather everyone had two plates except for EE, who tried, but did not succeed, in eating the amount of food reserved for a grown man AND a small child. The pancakes, oh man, International House of Pancakes, indeed. These bad boys were gooood. To quote JN, “These pancakes are perfect; I’ve never had a perfect pancake before.” And this is coming from the guy who also believes IHOP should change it’s name to International House of Country Fried Steak. (AS had a major case of CFS envy.)

A few more notes:

• AS came in her pyjamas, which is totally okay because this included her awesome Prince leggings and a striped shirt, earning her the title of Funky Hamburglar.

• The washrooms, according to AMH, were pretty damn impressive in their cleanliness.

• Excellent service. Our lady Patty was a gem.

• Tabletop syrup caddy! Including butter pecan syrup!

• “Omigod the chocolate chip pancakes look so good … they’re like floppy chocolate chip cookies. They look really intense.” –JN, note that none of us ordered these, and they were also described as “the colour of HP sauce”

• The only strike they get is the fruit cup. Sick melon gross town.

Overall Experience: Thumbs up all around; so good. Exceeds expectations.

The rest of the Roadtrip for Pancakes weekend was also pretty great. We stopped not once, but twice in Nanton to dig through antique treasures, eat ice cream, and see the bomber as it was in town. We took part in a Cinco de Mayo feast at the Principal’s house, drinking red-face inducing tequila punch and playing too much Apples to Apples. And finally, icing on the cake, took the scenic route home. Hi, Vulcan, we love you.

 

Borgo

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Special Guests: 3

Number of times a piece of lettuce was attempted to be shoved in a mouth then removed for being too large: 3

Number of times too large lettuce was just shoved in anyway: 2

Second helping requests: 6 / 8

Wait time: 0

I think we found the best food we’ve had yet. Which is pretty funny when you consider that eight of us rolled in at 11.30 on a Sunday and the place was deserted. Our special guests this time included a repeat visit by the Principal (who has officially attended the same number of times as EE) and JN’s old man. We were pretty lucky that things went as smoothly as they did, since AS tried to ruin breakfast straight off the bat by bringing in an outside beverage. Against the rules! But we soldiered on.

The food … oh man. It can best be described by AMH’s appreciative “daaaaaaaaayyuummmmmm” on seeing EE’s caramelized onion and ricotta crepe arrive at the table. After that: silence. There was no sharing, and very little talking as everyone was completely engrossed by their meals. AS insists that truffle oil eggs are the best, but MR counters that zucchini scrambled eggs are better, but since no one shared a single bite, we can’t really call a winner. 

Even after the Club mocked people who order the fruit plate when there are a so many delicious sounding menu items that would clearly be superior, the Principal ordered it anyway. And to success! She gave full marks for avoiding melon heavy bullshit fruit salad, and instead getting a vast array of fresh and tantalizing fruits. In other healthy news, all the breakfasts were served with a tasty salad allowing us to feel smug in our “health-conscious” breakfast decisions. Well, except for AMH, who really wishes the salad portion was smaller so he could have more mushrooms slathered with cheese.

Final notes

• General consensus on having second brunch was that it may cause some slight discomfort, but the deliciousness would be worth it.

• AS and EE were totally going to Vendome after for second brunch.

• “I don’t know how you fit that much pancake in.” –EE to AMH, regarding the last time he ate double breakfast

• “You know what you like, and you like a LOT.” –MR to JN, on his taste in women, which includes all women who serve him food, and all women wearing white shirts with black pants.

Overall experience: Total homerun. (Do you get it? Because we went back to JN’s place and watched baseball after. And by watched baseball I mean JN watched while MR ogled baseball players, and AMH ignored it.)